CONTENT
Blondie jokes
Other jokes
Sexual Maths
Me as a lyrics maker
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BLONDIE JOKES
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth
Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum
wrapper.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Why don't blondies breastfeed their babies?
A: It hurts too much when they boil their nipples.
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading
her nametag)?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain
surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refriderator cold.
Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde,
yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in
only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: Why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives
a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their
car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes
a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or
twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes,
and she was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.
She also went out and bought a new convertible.
She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheepherder over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.
"Well thank you.", said the herder.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.
"Okay.", replied the herder.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock,
can I take one home?", asked the woman.
"Sure.", said the sheepherder.
So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second
and then replied, "382".
"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right.
Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered,
"Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?", queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"
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OTHER JOKES
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at
the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I
thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your
really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at
all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did
that can help us make a decision?"
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied,
"Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who
was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got
out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He
was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body
and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring
out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop
bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"
"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this
happen?"
"About two minutes ago," came the reply.
--------------------
At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants
At age 16, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding
At age 35, success is about career and family
At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings
At age 65, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 90, success is not peeing in your pants
--------------------
USA Today has come out with a new survey:
Apparently three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
--------------------
Yugo vs Rolls
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a
Rolls Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window
and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's
a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in
my Yugo!" The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply,
"Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge
in there, too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my
Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes,
I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you
got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back
seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very
annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A
Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a
bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls
Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he
promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the
Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up
the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and
brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So
the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and
he drove all day.
Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all
the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the
Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't
any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the
owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the
driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me
out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!"
-----------------------------
SEXUAL MATHS
Work it out as you read.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you
would like to have sex. (try for more than once)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50. (I'll wait while you get the calculator ... )
5. lf you have already had your birthday this year add 1750.
lf you haven't, add 1749.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should now have a three digit number.
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have sex each week.)
The second two digits are your age (and it shows.)
ME AS A LYRICS MAKER
I've got 3 songs to show to you, and those are:
1. Annoying Girls 2.46 minutes
2. OOOhhh....scary 4.56minutes
3. Don't Tell Me 3.25minutes
---------------------------------
First one, has been made this summer when I got pissed off on my brother's girl
friends...ouuhhh....some are real bitches!!!! So, I was writting a mail to Melanie
telling her what's goin' on at my home and I've got idea to write a deadly song
about them. Well, I've mentioned Melanie in the song too 'couse I was imagining
a scene like this: The girls are all dead and they don't TALK ANYMORE and I'm
telling Melanie how sorry I am for killing them all but, what a heck...ther
were too useless anyway.
Annoying Girls 2.46 minutes
Written by Tanya
I'm so sorry
I had to kill them all
They came to make a party
but I had to take away their soul
I'm so sorry
They were jumping on my nerves
I had to tell them a little story
About the end of the girl who was pissing me off
She came here with this guy
She lit a fire
She laughed and drank
She surly had to crack
I'm so sorry
I had to take away her smile
I had to make her suffer
Suffer and beg for her life!!!!
I'm so sorry Mel
But they've made a party again
I didn't mean to do this
I didn't mean to hurt a girl friend of his
It will all end up soon
yeah
It will all end up soon
-----------------------------------
This, second one, was made after one hard movie, I quess there was blood a lot
and I always get ideas of writting lyrics when I'm under affect of pissing off
or bloody movies, so I decided to write little more 'seriouse' lyrics. It's
about....messing up with other people's minds.
OOOhhh....scary 4.56minutes
Written by Tanya
you say it's the best
if we iliminate the rest
useless, pointelss
take away their happiness
he says it okay
to do what you think's okay
do the things to kill the pain
if you believe it it's okay
don't let them change your mind
their dirty talks and faking smiles
evrything they say is a lie
and so they must die
don't let them change your mind
they can't understand
even though they look so kind
it's a packt, a shifting sand
that will joke you down so fast
so do it now
and do it right
don't let them get out of your sight
do it now
and do it fast
'cause the temptation won't last
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And, finaly, the last song that I will present you here, is about....how internet
SUCKS! I was getting some weirdo ideas about the world when, in a middle of
a tranfer of my life song, I get a messagge-'transfer error'. OOUUUGGGHHHHH
that's a really hard fact to live with. So, there it is, my thoughts I had while
staring at monitor praying that I won't see that horror messagge again.
Don't Tell Me 3.25minutes
written by Tanya
Don't tell me to stop
Tell the line not to cut
Tell the wind not to blow
'couse I said so
Tell the internet master
Not to harm the transfer no no
Let it go by the way
And never even try to say..
Don't tell me
error is true
It's just something that it do
Don't tell me
it really stopped
please don't tell me it stopped
Tell me
I'll get that song already
The program stands stedy
Tell me
Napster does it good
and it will be complited soon
don't tell me
everything is over
it's just the faking cover
don't tell me
it won't continoue
the kingdom that music represents
left me with just 57%
don't tell me.......oh man!
please don't tell me it screwed it up again!!!
DOH! I can't think of anymore words that goes with "me"....the song sux....Madonna
sux!.....a little...
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